Saturday, 15 March 2014

Wave Power Delivered To Your Home By Wifi

Tidal Power which produces free 'wifi' energy for life!

Harnessing the power of waves to power homes via 'wifi'.
With the ever increasing costs of energy these days (both financial and environmental), there's an urgent necessity for governments and scientists to come up with alternative, and more efficient, methods of energy production.  Occasionally, some of these have been met with disapproval or even controversy, but one alternative in the works has so far been met with only positive noises.

Wave Inc, an alternative energy company based in North West Australia have been working on an energy recovery system which harnesses the power of the ocean in an efficient and environmentally friendly manner.  Of course collecting energy from tidal motion is nothing new, but Wave Inc's patented TECU (tidal energy collection unit) system has three distinct advantages over its fore-runners; namely;

1) Improved efficiency.

The latest itineration of the TECU system is claimed to be up to five times more efficient than previous tidal energy generation systems.

2) Individual ownership.

Each TECU system will be made up of chains of over 200 individual TECU units, and in the long term Wave Inc have plans to allow individuals to purchase their own unit.  When you consider that over the course of a year each unit should produce enough energy to meet the standard needs of the average family home, this would effectively give home owners free (well, almost free) energy for life in return for an initial outlay of around the approximate cost of three years' energy bills.

3) Offshore energy transmission via airwaves.

Wifi delivery of tidal energy.
This is perhaps the most exciting point of note, and it is the cableless element which has led some observers to dub the process 'energy by wifi'.  While not strictly one hundred percent accurate, as a basic analogy 'energy by wifi' does capture the basic essence of how the energy once collected would then be transferred to shore.  To give a more detailed explanation, each offshore WECU installation would be grouped in a chain of around two hundred individual units with a central control unit which would transmit the collected energy back to an onshore substation via the airwaves.

Only a few years ago this would have been impossible, but recent technological developments mean the concept works in a similar method to that employed by forthcoming mobile phone chargers whereby you'll soon be able to charge your mobile phone simply placing it in the local vicinity of the charger.  In the case of the tidal energy collection system, the process takes place on a much larger scale, which fortunately from a scientific point of view conveniently makes the whole procedure far more efficient and eliminates many of the implementary problems mobile phone manufacturers have had to overcome.

That's the benefits explained, but what are the negatives?

"None at all," was the immediate reply of Ned Wolardarski, Project Director at Wave Inc, when I interviewed him about the project.  Of course it has to be said that he's possibly not the most objective person on the matter, so I therefore pressed the issue with him via a few follow-up questions...

TTT:  "Surely one obvious drawback is that any tidal energy collection system is only going to be of use to communities living by the sea or the ocean.  For example a country like Mongolia which is landlocked presumably isn't going to be getting too excited about the TECU system."

Ned:  "Yes, admittedly landlocked countries like Mongolia aren't going to get much use out of TECU obviously, but the system has been primarily developed with an Australian target demographic in mind.  This is a really exciting development for the citizens of Australia.  Almost the entire Australian population lives within ten kilometres of the coast so the vast majority of the country could potentially benefit from TECU.

The 'wifi' element of the 'TECU' system means its use
is limited to consumers who live near the coast.
TTT:  "But even in Australia that still leaves places like Alice Springs where TECU won't be of any benefit."

Ned: (Shrugs) "Well don't blame me!  They're the ones who chose to live in the middle of nowhere!"

TTT:  "But what I mean is that the TECU system has some limitations which are undeniable."

Ned:  "Not if you live near the coast."

TTT:  "Yes, but by that very statement, the fact that you have to live near the coast to be able to use the system has to go down as a negative."

Ned:  "I wouldn't say that.  I like living near the coast.  It's nice to go for a stroll on the beach every morning."

TTT:  "Yeah, I'm not saying living near the coast is a negative.  I love the beach as well.  You haven't quite grasped my point.  What I mean is that the TECU system does have some limitations."

Ned:  "Well who'd want to live in Alice Springs anyway?"

TTT:  "I quite liked Alice Springs.  I was there a few years ago and I thought it was a pretty cool town."

Ned:  "Yeah, Alice Springs is a nice town, but it's in the middle of nowhere.  The actual town itself is a nice town, but I wouldn't fancy being so far away cut off from the rest of civilisation."

TTT:  "Well you're not really cut off.  Not in this day and age.  You've got the internet and TV.  And there's an airport.  Anyway, can we get back to the point of the interview?  I'm not denying that TECU sounds like a great system but all I'm saying is that like all systems it has it's limitations."

Ned:  "Well what do you want me to do!?  Build a new man-made sea in the middle of Australia!?"

TTT:  "No, you're missing the point of what I'm saying.  I'm not criticising you.  I'm just saying that..."

Ned:  "Well you are criticising me."

TTT:  "I'm not."

Ned:  "You are."

TTT:  "How am I criticising you?"

Ned:  "You're saying the TECU system won't work in places like Alice Springs and Mongolia."

TTT:  "Well it won't."

Ned:  (Long pause)  "Well let's see your great idea, then!  If you're so clever then what's your solution to the world's energy needs?"

TTT:  "I haven't got a solution.  I'm just saying..."

Ned:  "Ar, so you're not so clever after all, then!"

TTT:  "I'm just trying to get a more detailed picture of the full pros and cons of the TECU system.  Every energy solution has positives and negatives, so as a society we need to work out how to minimise the negatives and miximise the positive benefits."

Ned:  "Well with TECU it's just a long list of positives.  There aren't any negatives."

TTT:  "Apart from the limitations of location."

"That's not a negative.  It's nice to live near the beach."

"Look, I don't really want to get into all that again.  One point I would like to query though, is the safety of the 'wifi' energy transmisson system.  For example, when mobile phones first became commonplace a number of people questioned the safety of mobile network transmitters.  Have you any safety concerns with TECU in that respect?"

"93% of people who live within the transmission zone of a TECU
system experience no negative health problems whatsoever."
...the proud boast of Wave Inc with regard to their safety record.
Ned:  "None at all.  Over ninety three percent of people who live within the transmission zone of a TECU system experience no negative health problems whatsoever."

TTT:  "Ninety three percent?  So what about the other seven percent?"

Ned:  (Long pause)  "Look, why are you so obsessed with the percentages?  People who moan about safety always hold back scientific progress.  Would you rather we just scrapped the whole project?"

TTT:  "Well, if it's not safe..."

Ned:  "It is safe.  Seven percent is considered well within the boundaries covered by statistical anomalies.  And besides, with that guy who developed a third nipple, there was no evidence that that was in any way related to TECU.  The abnormal chest growth could have been caused by any number of reasons."

TTT:  "One final point I wanted to raise was the 'nominal' annual maintenance fee that you plan to charge.  The details seem to be a bit vague at the moment so can you reassure potential customers that Wave Inc won't exploit this contractual loophole as a means to increasing profits at customers' expense?"

"Oh, well I don't know about all that.  That's not really my department.  You'd have to ask the financial people about that."*

TTT:  "Have you got an email I could have?"

Ned:  "Yes, it's"

TTT:  "No, I mean an email for the financial people."

Ned:  "Oh, right.  No, sorry.  Not on me.  I can look it up once I get back to the office, though."

TTT:  "Okay Ned, thanks for your time."

* In fact the contract allows Wave Inc to charge whatever they want for this annual maintenance fee.

. . . . . . . .

From: Ben Aspen

To: Jack Boskin
Date:  13/04/14  1:16 pm
Subject: Ned Wolardarski interview


Here's the transcript you asked for.  As you can see, Ned wasn't the most 'conventional' interviewee I've ever chatted with.


. . . . . . . .

From: Jack Boskin
To: Ben Aspen
Date:  13/04/14  2:07 pm
Subject: Ned Wolardarski interview


Yeah, I see what you mean.  Give it to Paul and see if he can do something with it before we publish it.  Get him to trim out the bits when Ned was at his most argumentative.  And it goes without saying that I'd strongly suggest deleting the bit about the guy spotted getting 'friendly' with the octopus.


. . . . . . . .

From: Ben Aspen

To: Paul Gland
Date:  13/04/14  2:14 pm
Subject: Ned Wolardarski interview

Paul, this is the interview I did with Ned Wolardarski from Wave Inc.  Jack asked if you could trim it down and remove the section where Ned talks about the 'octopus lover' before you publish it.


. . . . . . . .

From: Paul Gland

To: Ben Aspen
Date:  13/04/14  2:18 pm
Subject: Ned Wolardarski interview

No problem


. . . . . . . .

Despite a few unresolved issues which Ned Wolardarski was unwilling or unable to clarify, in this current climate of ever increasing energy bills the prospect of free energy for life in return for a one off initial outlay should nevertheless greatly appeal to most consumers.

Scroll down the page for details on how to sign up for the latest updates from Wave Inc, as well as the chance to enter a competition to win free energy for life as the proud owner of your very own TECU unit...

Please note, there are no health risks associated with TECU systems, primarily because TECU systems aren't real. Also, Wave Inc don't exist and neither does Ned Wolardarski.

The 'How To Save The World' books.
This entire story isn't real and was completely made up by Charles Fudgemuffin. Charles is the author of the alien comedy 'How To Save The World' books which are available for Kindle from Amazon.

Check out the first book in the series at the following link:
How To Save The World: An Alien Comedy

Please note, the 'How To Save The World' books are suitable for ages 18+ and are not recommended for prudes or squares.

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